now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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