all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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