I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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