He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
