You can't special order awesome
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
