Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
