I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
