I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
