Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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