biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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