sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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