my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
