Someone shit on the floor
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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