my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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