i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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