so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
