$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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