I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
