I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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