My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just found puke in my bra..
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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