i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
