I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
