the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
