I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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