Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
