So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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