Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
