You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
