so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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