I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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