at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
