I wish I could punch you in the face.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
