Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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