Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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