You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
