I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
