Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
