I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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