I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize