If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
