Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
