I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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