The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
