Tell her she can't have a vagina
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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