I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
