the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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