you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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