I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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