dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
