Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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