I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
