I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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