I feel great
I just peed on a car
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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