How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
