I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
