went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
