I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
