i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize