We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
