Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
