wakey wakey hands off snakey
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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