I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
