i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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