I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize