When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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