I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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