Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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